bject: Found in alt.sysadmin.recovery...
 (By someone other than me! -- Amy )

In article <3ff8r2$d35@newsbf02.news.aol.com> lolloyd@aol.com (LoLloyd) writes:
>i think that it is a vicious downward spiral that is begun by getting a
>beeper. you may flatter yourself at first and feel irreplaceable and very
>important to carry one of the neat little items, but once you have one,
>you are on a virtual *leash*! don't they hassle you enough when you are
>there?!! resist beepers at all costs! don't give out your home number.
>don't even tell them your favorite e-mail name/address! keep your freedom!

Yeah, right. You're behind the times. We've been implanted with
a homing device/cattle prod that can be activated by a (l)user calling
555-1212 and entering various numbers. The thing is hooked into our
pleasure/pain centers, and various other places. For example:

 REBOOT    - Causes 10 second unconsiousness in admin, unless HP
(732668)     admin, then causes 45 minutes, or coma. Usually used by
             other admins as a prank.

 SYNC      - Causes admin to empty bladder. Not nice in meetings.
(7962)

 MAN       - Admin immediately calls user and reads man page verbatim,
(626)        since this seems beyond their understanding. 

 CANTPRINT - Admin immediately checks all printers in the building
(226877468)  for paper and toner.

 POWER     - User has power cycled workstation and needs help. This number
(76937)      also causes 1500 mg of asprin to be released into the admin's
             bloodstream.

 HACKER    - This is used mostly by management after reading some idiotic
(422537)     article in Time or the WSJ. Causes admin to become extremely
             paranoid and run Crack several times a day.

 WWW       - Used by user who has just "discovered" the Internet and must
(999)        have access. Causes admin to download Netscape, install it,
             and then strangle user. This is why users can't teach each other.

 UPGRADE   - Used by users wanting the latest and greatest software.
(8747233)    Takes several days for everything to work, so caffeine
             is injected liberally. One of the leading causes of the
             use of the KILL command.

 DONTWORK  - This can also be invoked using ERROR(37767) or the 
(36689675)   emergency number, 666. This is the most 
             commonly used function, and is liberally used in place 
             of any of the others. 1400 mg of Valium, 1200 mg of Lithium,
             and 5000 mg of Prozac are released into the admin's
             bloodstream. Admin then procedes to user's work area, and
             attempts to find problem, without help from user. This 
             function used to cause admin to ask user questions about the 
             nature of the problem, but this caused a significant rise in 
             the number of homicides in the computer industry.

 DETOX     - Used by other admins to "clean up" after repeated DONTWORKs.
(33869)      Admins in need of a DETOX are usually wandering around 
             saying things like "This is GREAT!" and "I love it here.
             Can I sleep in the machine room?".

 KILL      - Used only by other admins to stop "runaways", or admins
(5455)       who have become deranged due to repeated use of options
             above. 

There are other functions, but I just got a HOMEDIRFULL, so I gotta go...