WHY WE DID IT!!!
Last Updated: 05/09/97 1626 PST
As Featured on the Bernie Ward Program on KGO Radio, San Francisco

This is a PARODY. TRAGEDY IS THE ROOT OF COMEDY. (and lets face it, you were already thinking of these reasons anyway, weren't you?)
THIS IS MY PERSONAL PAGE. THESE ARE MY OPINIONS, AND NOT THOSE OF MY EMPLOYER.

Feel free to copy, but please credit this page, and the respective authors.

-1. It's HERE!!!
0. It's the Cheese (argarg@netcom.com)
1. They were Cobol programmers who didn't want to face the year 2000. (anonymous)
2. They accessed the 'Net through AOL and a 14.4 modem. (anonymous)
3. They accessed the 'Net through ISDN, and got their first Telco bill. (anonymous)
4. They were the Windows 97 Development team. They took Bill at his word: "We'll have Windows out this year, even if it kills us." (argarg@netcom.com)
5. "So THATS what that button does...." (argarg@netcom.com)
6. 42 (argarg@netcom.com)
7. They sold their IBM stock when it dipped to $89 (argarg@netcom.com)
8. They bought ICNT @ $24. (argarg@netcom.com)
9. They wanted to make the Church of Scientology look like copy-cats. (argarg@netcom.com)
A. Hey, there is no such thing as 'bad publicity.' (argarg@netcom.com)
B. New Slogan: "Official Web Page Designers ot the Afterlife" (argarg@netcom.com)
C. Couldn't wait for cable modems. (argarg@netcom.com)
D. 2 words: FREE COFFEE (argarg@netcom.com)
E. They were the last known OS/2 Programmers. (argarg@netcom.com)
F. The Conspiracy. 'nuff said. (argarg@netcom.com)
10. Their source of black pants dried up. (gary@edmin.com)
11. They had a nasty paper cut that wouldn't heal. (argarg@netcom.com)
12. When told that they had to leave Earthlink, they replied that they'd rather die than switch. (ciggarette ad parody, fyi) (argarg@netcom.com)
13. Their domain name, webcults.com, was rejected for being 'too vague.' (argarg@netcom.com)
14. They couldn't wait for the re-release of 'It's a Wonderful Life.' (argarg@netcom.com)
15. Global Warming (argarg@netcom.com)
16. They were trying to collect on their 'Life After Death' Insurance policies. (argarg@netcom.com)
17. Wanted to be really hip and go 'underground.' (argarg@netcom.com)
18. Suicide? I Thought you said Barbicide! (argarg@netcom.com)
19. Throught the sleeping pills were laxatives. (argarg@netcom.com)
1A. Watched M*A*S*H too many times. (argarg@netcom.com)
1B. Didn't pay their Internic bill. (argarg@netcom.com)
1C. Wanted to screw over the organ-donor association. (argarg@netcom.com)
1D. Wanted to re-enact Hitchcock's 'The 39 Steps' with human bodies. (argarg@netcom.com)
1E.Discovered free Jolt Cola on the Hale Bopp Comet. (anonymous)
1F.Found out that Dilbert was not a real person. (anonymous)
20. .Heard that the BATF was coming, and didn't want to drag out another WACO siege. (anonymous)
21.Saint Dogbert, said if you really worship me. (anonymous)
22. Misread Revelations: "blood of the lamb", as "blood of the LAN". (anonymous)
23, Pathetically inept attempt to "get noticed by chicks" (anonymous)
24. They took the html tag "/BODY" a little too seriously. (anonymous)
25. They were trying to keep up with the Jonses (anonymous)
26. They were cellibate. (anonymous)
27. The Monza, Winnebego, and the baby's arm holding an apple were all taken. (argarg@netcom.com)
28. Wanted to avoid injury to their 'karma' from faulty air bags. (argarg@netcom.com>
29. REALLY REALLLY Big Prince fans. (argarg@netcom.com)
2A. They took the 'Just Do It' slogan to it's extreme. (argarg@netcom.com)
2B. "Adulation? I thought you said 'Immolation" (argarg@netcom.com)
2C. Couldn't stand waiting for Internet Explorer 4.0 (argarg@netcom.com)
2D. Thought they were going to see the movie.... (argarg@netcom.com)
2E. The Air Conditioning in their office didn't work. (argarg@netcom.com)
2F. They were nuts. (argarg@netcom.com)
30. It was either suicide, or a visit to France. (argarg@netcom.com)
31. Wanted to meet Space Ghost and Zorak in person. (argarg@netcom.com)
32. They were just DYING to meet E.T. (argarg@netcom.com)
33. Plate Techtonics. (argarg@netcom.com)
34. They got tired of waiting for the production version. (argarg@netcom.com)
35. They forgot to mount a scratch monkey. (argarg@netcom.com)
36. "Hey, if Houdini could do it...." (argarg@netcom.com)
37. "Afterlife?? I thought you Herballife!" (argarg@netcom.com)
38. Forgot their PGP key. (argarg@netcom.com)
39. "Elvis, Doe. Doe, Elvis." (argarg@netcom.com)
3A. They didn't like butterscotch . (cgowdy@edmin.com)
3B. In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue. In 1997, Spaceship rides to heaven (TELCOM digest)
3C. They were DUPed by the Pink Boys 3D. They were from France. (argarg@netcom.com)
3E. Wanted to reserve all the '.dead' domain names. (argarg@netcom.com)
3F. Got tired of being hassled by the Man. (argarg@netcom.com)
40. "These outfits are just to die for...." (argarg@netcom.com)
41. Since they lost their 'thumb,' it was the only way to get picked up by a spaceship (argarg@netcom.com)
42. We could tell you, but we'd have to kill ourselves. (argarg@netcom.com)
43. Wanted to get a new flavor of Ben & Jerry's named after them: "Suicide Nut Crunch" (argarg@netcom.com)
44. "Got Milk?" (argarg@netcom.com)
45. Wanted to 'sepperate themselves from the crowd.' (argarg@netcom.com)
46. It was either 'kill ourselves' or go to a U2 concert. (argarg@netcom.com)
47. They got 'slammed' by the aliens. (long distance joke) (argarg@netcom.com)
48. This Page exposed the REAL truth.
49. Wanted to host the irc channel #killme (argarg@netcom.com)
4A. They used Passive/X. (http://www.sdmedia.net:3555) (argarg@netcom.com)
4B.
GOT MORE?? SEND'EM to argarg@netcom.com today! Your messages will be posted WITH CREDIT, if you like.

You can also find these on the INTERACTIVE SLACK site located HERE!
If you look at these pages, you will probably go to hell:
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What can I say?
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